What have I done?

Three weeks, four days and a few hours ago, I did something that changed my life. It landed me in hospital, and it made people distrust me and hate me. Which I guess is my own fault for even trying. There's one person, who I'm sorry I ever had to hurt, I tried to write a blog to him last night, basically apologising, for all the bad things I did to him....

"One of the things I clued up on, was how I treated someone very close to me. Instead of respecting them, I took them for granted, and, ultimately ended up ruining something that was the best thing I could have had. And now, I see how wrong I was. It doesn't matter how much time they had to talk to me, it doesn't matter how much they come online, all it matters now is that they could take the time out of their own life and just use a little bit on me. I know it sounds selfish, I know it sounds heartless, but at the end of it all, I pushed away someone very close to my heart, and its my own fault. I'll never know if I'll get them back, but, all I can do is try. And I am going to, because its not just something I want, its not just something I need, it feels like part of me is missing, and nothing or no one will ever come close to replacing them, and sometimes I dont know if they know just how much they mean to me, even now. All I can do is try and hope they can find it within themselves to forgive me, for how I was, for who I was, that selfish idiot of a person who pushed them away. I can't say I've changed completely, but I'm trying, it is a long and slow process, but I know its there, I know something inside me is willnig me to do it, its willing me to try again, and thats all I ask of them. Another chance. I can understand if they say no, I can understand if they don't want to talk to me or look at me anymore, and I don't blame them. I was cruel, callous, and devestatingly evil. And I regret it, I regret it all. If I could take it back, I would, in an instant. But now i have to live with this, it is of my own making, all I can do is hope they forgive me, and hope they will allow me back into their lives as closely as I was before. It doesn't matter how much time you spend talking to me, it doesn't matter if you don't come on for a few days, knowing I'm back in your heart and in your thoughts would mean the world to me, it's something I can't get out of my head, and it makes me cry because I never know if its going to happen. After all I've done, I still love them, I still want them. Rakastan sinua nallekarhumies, kas noin ja ainiaaksi."

I wrote this, becuase I still care about him. I can't make him read it, I can't make him check his email, all I can do is wait it out. It seems to be all I ever do, wait it out. The one person who I thought I could have a shot at being happy with, is now ignoring me completely. Utterly, I am the creator of my own fatal design, and all because I wanted everything to end, everything I cant cope with, everything I cant handle, as I always have to deal on my own, with no help, not a whisper or a glimmer of hope. By writing what I did, I thought I could put some hope back into my life, and all I did, I dont know.
By trying to get him to talk to me, I think I've pushed him away further. I cant keep on apologising, for it is the only thing I ever seem to do and I even cant do that right. I dont have a life, I just have an existence, made ever harder by the encroaching fear, hatred and disgust I feel at myself. The world has never worked anyway except to spell my utter downfall, so why would I expect it to change now?

The answer is, I dont. Why would it change, why would it get better? When its slowly choking all life out of me, when its slowly grinding me down until I am back to nothing? When it is winning by beating me into a corner that I can never reclaim myself from? And right now, I am nothing. Right now, I am insignificant, seen only as a pest and a source of derision, hate and pity from others. Is this all my life was destined to be? Is this all I was destined to be? Is it fate that I am alone, nearly friendless save the few I have online, unloved and at the bitter end of it all?

Is it any wonder that I tried to end it once?

I doubt I will try to do it again. I have been trying, so desperately hard, but it appears at every turn something spells my downfall back into nothingness, deep into the abyss where I have no choice but to stay, where I cannot be found, deep in the pit of despair, lost in the world that is the making of my depression, the enchantment caused by my paranoia, my self loathing and my fear. I fear it all, I fear you all, but as I talk, I find this not cathartic, I find no release, I find only upset, knowing no one will read the futile puling that this blog is.
I hear laughter all around me, but even it cannot penetrate the stone enmeshed in metal that has become my heart, the chinks open and seeping. Seeping as everything I have ever faced up to, is destined to hurt me, destined to spell the meaning of my own demise.
Yet, I feel, everything is pointless, all hope has gone. If only I had done things differently, if only.

But that is a dream I can never realise, as it not longer relies on me to give an answer to unlock me from my bitter shell and to set me free. It lies in the hands of another, one answer spells release, the other.....I don't know what I'll do if the answer is the other, I try not to think that far ahead. I can only predict a life of loneliness and longing, longing for what I have lost.

MY tears have been shed, I have said what I have needed to say. For now it seems, I say adieu.