Well, I'm here. The thing on Friday turned out well, I now have a job...working with old people but its a job. But i have more plans. Firstly, I'm going to do an OU course on Media, the hopefully going to college next year to study media there. I'm excited but scared. Scared I'll fail or fall or do something wrong nad mess it all up, and it freaks me out. not the work and stuff, just scares me, it all does. But I need to be scared to do this, I need to be.
Wednesday 22 August 2007
Sunday 12 August 2007
She's back, but without the mask
Currently Playing: The 69 Eyes, Lordi, KISS
Current Mood: Ambivalent
Well, it appears I am here. I've been off cos I've not been well. But not before getting a phone call Friday morning with something interesting, but that can wait. If it comes to fruition, I'll let it be known.
All I've done, the past two days, apart from being ill, is thinking. A lot. In between sleeping, watchin DVDs and singing along to Lordi, which I really cant help. The thoughts have consisted somewhat of me thinking about stuff, stuff I've done, stuff I haven't done, stuff I should have done. But I came to the conclusion that none of it really matters anymore, none of it is important, none of it is relevant to who I really want to be. I need to stop living in the past, and look to the future, I need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and get on with the world. So I am. Yes, people have hurt me, and that hurt has shaped me into who I am, that I cant forget, and I probably never will.
But, life goes on, and I'm going to write a bit soon I think.
Toodle pipski
Current Mood: Ambivalent
Well, it appears I am here. I've been off cos I've not been well. But not before getting a phone call Friday morning with something interesting, but that can wait. If it comes to fruition, I'll let it be known.
All I've done, the past two days, apart from being ill, is thinking. A lot. In between sleeping, watchin DVDs and singing along to Lordi, which I really cant help. The thoughts have consisted somewhat of me thinking about stuff, stuff I've done, stuff I haven't done, stuff I should have done. But I came to the conclusion that none of it really matters anymore, none of it is important, none of it is relevant to who I really want to be. I need to stop living in the past, and look to the future, I need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and get on with the world. So I am. Yes, people have hurt me, and that hurt has shaped me into who I am, that I cant forget, and I probably never will.
But, life goes on, and I'm going to write a bit soon I think.
Toodle pipski
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Another Day, Another Plan
Well, it seems my plan didn't go to well. He said no. After dangling me like a toy for over a day and a half, he said no. And you know what, it's made me see something. He was a coward, he couldn't come right out and say it, oh no, nothing like that for him.
After talking to my friends and making up horrific tortures, I decided on my plan for the next few months.
1. NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE get back with him. Not even in moments of desperation. It'll do me no good if i do.
2. Go and see my German friend in London in October. I haven't been to London in almost a year, and it will be a trip to remember, seeing one of my closest friends for the first time. And it means, I get to terrorise London to my heart's content. And go shopping. Lots. And I like shopping
3. Get a job. I've been dithering over this, my self confidence isn't what it could be, none of me is what it should be, BUT this might give me back some of that and help me to cope with people constantly phoning me up and asking me to pay my debts.
4. Sort my debts out. I refuse to deal by phone, so letters and possibly emails will be the way to go. And it means I don't get disturbed and set into a severely damaging mental state.
5. Be more assertive. Tell people No and mean it, and not be treated like a doormat by my family.
6. Try and volunteer when time allows it. I have already applied to the GirlGuide UK association, so we will see how I do.
7. Use my voice for good and get my arse into gear and hopefully into a band. That would be my fondest wish, and help with my assertiveness, confidence and self worth.
8. This is the biggie, this is the scary thing. Go to Finland with my best mate for Midsummer next year, go and stay in a hotel together, go and get drunk, see bands, go shopping, do the touristy things. This involves a lot of travel on my own, and being in busy places. But as my friend has already said, she'll be there with me, helping me along the way. So I won't be alone.
All in all, I've had an extremely positive day today. I hope this continues. I've set my blog up to try and give me an outlet for all my ups and downs, and it is. As long as I keep posting and keep reading, I'll not forget what I'm here for.
Now, I'm going to play on Hex, a few forums, and on MSN.
Kez x
After talking to my friends and making up horrific tortures, I decided on my plan for the next few months.
1. NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE get back with him. Not even in moments of desperation. It'll do me no good if i do.
2. Go and see my German friend in London in October. I haven't been to London in almost a year, and it will be a trip to remember, seeing one of my closest friends for the first time. And it means, I get to terrorise London to my heart's content. And go shopping. Lots. And I like shopping
3. Get a job. I've been dithering over this, my self confidence isn't what it could be, none of me is what it should be, BUT this might give me back some of that and help me to cope with people constantly phoning me up and asking me to pay my debts.
4. Sort my debts out. I refuse to deal by phone, so letters and possibly emails will be the way to go. And it means I don't get disturbed and set into a severely damaging mental state.
5. Be more assertive. Tell people No and mean it, and not be treated like a doormat by my family.
6. Try and volunteer when time allows it. I have already applied to the GirlGuide UK association, so we will see how I do.
7. Use my voice for good and get my arse into gear and hopefully into a band. That would be my fondest wish, and help with my assertiveness, confidence and self worth.
8. This is the biggie, this is the scary thing. Go to Finland with my best mate for Midsummer next year, go and stay in a hotel together, go and get drunk, see bands, go shopping, do the touristy things. This involves a lot of travel on my own, and being in busy places. But as my friend has already said, she'll be there with me, helping me along the way. So I won't be alone.
All in all, I've had an extremely positive day today. I hope this continues. I've set my blog up to try and give me an outlet for all my ups and downs, and it is. As long as I keep posting and keep reading, I'll not forget what I'm here for.
Now, I'm going to play on Hex, a few forums, and on MSN.
Kez x
Tuesday 7 August 2007
What have I done?
Three weeks, four days and a few hours ago, I did something that changed my life. It landed me in hospital, and it made people distrust me and hate me. Which I guess is my own fault for even trying. There's one person, who I'm sorry I ever had to hurt, I tried to write a blog to him last night, basically apologising, for all the bad things I did to him....
"One of the things I clued up on, was how I treated someone very close to me. Instead of respecting them, I took them for granted, and, ultimately ended up ruining something that was the best thing I could have had. And now, I see how wrong I was. It doesn't matter how much time they had to talk to me, it doesn't matter how much they come online, all it matters now is that they could take the time out of their own life and just use a little bit on me. I know it sounds selfish, I know it sounds heartless, but at the end of it all, I pushed away someone very close to my heart, and its my own fault. I'll never know if I'll get them back, but, all I can do is try. And I am going to, because its not just something I want, its not just something I need, it feels like part of me is missing, and nothing or no one will ever come close to replacing them, and sometimes I dont know if they know just how much they mean to me, even now. All I can do is try and hope they can find it within themselves to forgive me, for how I was, for who I was, that selfish idiot of a person who pushed them away. I can't say I've changed completely, but I'm trying, it is a long and slow process, but I know its there, I know something inside me is willnig me to do it, its willing me to try again, and thats all I ask of them. Another chance. I can understand if they say no, I can understand if they don't want to talk to me or look at me anymore, and I don't blame them. I was cruel, callous, and devestatingly evil. And I regret it, I regret it all. If I could take it back, I would, in an instant. But now i have to live with this, it is of my own making, all I can do is hope they forgive me, and hope they will allow me back into their lives as closely as I was before. It doesn't matter how much time you spend talking to me, it doesn't matter if you don't come on for a few days, knowing I'm back in your heart and in your thoughts would mean the world to me, it's something I can't get out of my head, and it makes me cry because I never know if its going to happen. After all I've done, I still love them, I still want them. Rakastan sinua nallekarhumies, kas noin ja ainiaaksi."
I wrote this, becuase I still care about him. I can't make him read it, I can't make him check his email, all I can do is wait it out. It seems to be all I ever do, wait it out. The one person who I thought I could have a shot at being happy with, is now ignoring me completely. Utterly, I am the creator of my own fatal design, and all because I wanted everything to end, everything I cant cope with, everything I cant handle, as I always have to deal on my own, with no help, not a whisper or a glimmer of hope. By writing what I did, I thought I could put some hope back into my life, and all I did, I dont know.
By trying to get him to talk to me, I think I've pushed him away further. I cant keep on apologising, for it is the only thing I ever seem to do and I even cant do that right. I dont have a life, I just have an existence, made ever harder by the encroaching fear, hatred and disgust I feel at myself. The world has never worked anyway except to spell my utter downfall, so why would I expect it to change now?
The answer is, I dont. Why would it change, why would it get better? When its slowly choking all life out of me, when its slowly grinding me down until I am back to nothing? When it is winning by beating me into a corner that I can never reclaim myself from? And right now, I am nothing. Right now, I am insignificant, seen only as a pest and a source of derision, hate and pity from others. Is this all my life was destined to be? Is this all I was destined to be? Is it fate that I am alone, nearly friendless save the few I have online, unloved and at the bitter end of it all?
Is it any wonder that I tried to end it once?
I doubt I will try to do it again. I have been trying, so desperately hard, but it appears at every turn something spells my downfall back into nothingness, deep into the abyss where I have no choice but to stay, where I cannot be found, deep in the pit of despair, lost in the world that is the making of my depression, the enchantment caused by my paranoia, my self loathing and my fear. I fear it all, I fear you all, but as I talk, I find this not cathartic, I find no release, I find only upset, knowing no one will read the futile puling that this blog is.
I hear laughter all around me, but even it cannot penetrate the stone enmeshed in metal that has become my heart, the chinks open and seeping. Seeping as everything I have ever faced up to, is destined to hurt me, destined to spell the meaning of my own demise.
Yet, I feel, everything is pointless, all hope has gone. If only I had done things differently, if only.
But that is a dream I can never realise, as it not longer relies on me to give an answer to unlock me from my bitter shell and to set me free. It lies in the hands of another, one answer spells release, the other.....I don't know what I'll do if the answer is the other, I try not to think that far ahead. I can only predict a life of loneliness and longing, longing for what I have lost.
MY tears have been shed, I have said what I have needed to say. For now it seems, I say adieu.
"One of the things I clued up on, was how I treated someone very close to me. Instead of respecting them, I took them for granted, and, ultimately ended up ruining something that was the best thing I could have had. And now, I see how wrong I was. It doesn't matter how much time they had to talk to me, it doesn't matter how much they come online, all it matters now is that they could take the time out of their own life and just use a little bit on me. I know it sounds selfish, I know it sounds heartless, but at the end of it all, I pushed away someone very close to my heart, and its my own fault. I'll never know if I'll get them back, but, all I can do is try. And I am going to, because its not just something I want, its not just something I need, it feels like part of me is missing, and nothing or no one will ever come close to replacing them, and sometimes I dont know if they know just how much they mean to me, even now. All I can do is try and hope they can find it within themselves to forgive me, for how I was, for who I was, that selfish idiot of a person who pushed them away. I can't say I've changed completely, but I'm trying, it is a long and slow process, but I know its there, I know something inside me is willnig me to do it, its willing me to try again, and thats all I ask of them. Another chance. I can understand if they say no, I can understand if they don't want to talk to me or look at me anymore, and I don't blame them. I was cruel, callous, and devestatingly evil. And I regret it, I regret it all. If I could take it back, I would, in an instant. But now i have to live with this, it is of my own making, all I can do is hope they forgive me, and hope they will allow me back into their lives as closely as I was before. It doesn't matter how much time you spend talking to me, it doesn't matter if you don't come on for a few days, knowing I'm back in your heart and in your thoughts would mean the world to me, it's something I can't get out of my head, and it makes me cry because I never know if its going to happen. After all I've done, I still love them, I still want them. Rakastan sinua nallekarhumies, kas noin ja ainiaaksi."
I wrote this, becuase I still care about him. I can't make him read it, I can't make him check his email, all I can do is wait it out. It seems to be all I ever do, wait it out. The one person who I thought I could have a shot at being happy with, is now ignoring me completely. Utterly, I am the creator of my own fatal design, and all because I wanted everything to end, everything I cant cope with, everything I cant handle, as I always have to deal on my own, with no help, not a whisper or a glimmer of hope. By writing what I did, I thought I could put some hope back into my life, and all I did, I dont know.
By trying to get him to talk to me, I think I've pushed him away further. I cant keep on apologising, for it is the only thing I ever seem to do and I even cant do that right. I dont have a life, I just have an existence, made ever harder by the encroaching fear, hatred and disgust I feel at myself. The world has never worked anyway except to spell my utter downfall, so why would I expect it to change now?
The answer is, I dont. Why would it change, why would it get better? When its slowly choking all life out of me, when its slowly grinding me down until I am back to nothing? When it is winning by beating me into a corner that I can never reclaim myself from? And right now, I am nothing. Right now, I am insignificant, seen only as a pest and a source of derision, hate and pity from others. Is this all my life was destined to be? Is this all I was destined to be? Is it fate that I am alone, nearly friendless save the few I have online, unloved and at the bitter end of it all?
Is it any wonder that I tried to end it once?
I doubt I will try to do it again. I have been trying, so desperately hard, but it appears at every turn something spells my downfall back into nothingness, deep into the abyss where I have no choice but to stay, where I cannot be found, deep in the pit of despair, lost in the world that is the making of my depression, the enchantment caused by my paranoia, my self loathing and my fear. I fear it all, I fear you all, but as I talk, I find this not cathartic, I find no release, I find only upset, knowing no one will read the futile puling that this blog is.
I hear laughter all around me, but even it cannot penetrate the stone enmeshed in metal that has become my heart, the chinks open and seeping. Seeping as everything I have ever faced up to, is destined to hurt me, destined to spell the meaning of my own demise.
Yet, I feel, everything is pointless, all hope has gone. If only I had done things differently, if only.
But that is a dream I can never realise, as it not longer relies on me to give an answer to unlock me from my bitter shell and to set me free. It lies in the hands of another, one answer spells release, the other.....I don't know what I'll do if the answer is the other, I try not to think that far ahead. I can only predict a life of loneliness and longing, longing for what I have lost.
MY tears have been shed, I have said what I have needed to say. For now it seems, I say adieu.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
