WARNING: Please do not read if easily offended by graphic imagery or easily triggered by talk of eating disorders and mental conditions. Thank you.Firstly, I apologise for the possible post length, but once i get going i know this is just going to spill out, and i have to start somewhere. I promised myself I would do this, for my mental health, to help others if i can and to help me talk to my therapist more.
Let's start with the basics. We all know who I am, I'm 24, nearly 25 and for the past year and a half I've been living with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it was only recently diagnosed. Within the last 3 months. So i've had that hanging on my shoulders and all the stigma of not being able to work or lead a normal life, i mean it can affect me well into my thrities before it settles down, and thats scary within itself. Not knowing if i can get a job or lead a normal life or do anything normal, well thats what i have to live with, and these are the associated things that go with it.
1. Depression - Not such an easy thing as people make out, they go oh im depressed, whereas depression can pull you in and take you down. its like being at the bottom of the biggest blackest darkest hole and not knowing anyway of getting out or seeing a pinprick of light or not being able to know whether you can EVER get out of it. It's like the worst thingyou could ever imagine and i would never wish it on my worst enemy.
2. Bulimia - THis is the hardest thing i've ever had to admit to anyone else. Yes, I have bulimia. Yes, it means i binge and purge. and i wouldnt reccomnd it to anyone, two of my teeth have rotted to the point of nothing thru the stomach acid, i have permanent indigestion and heartburn from all the self inflicted pain i put myself thru, and yes, i still do it. I still do it cos even tho i am only a size 10, i still feel fat and ugly and worthless, i still think that eating and purging will fill the dark empty hole thats swallowed me up from within and taken me prisoner.
3. Self harm - Secomd hardest thing I've ever had to admit to. Yes, I self harm, yes ive taken to ym own skin in an attempt to rid myself of all the pain and confusion and to stop the voices and the thoughts and the images from taking over and letting them win instead of letting me win. For me its a coping mechanism so please dont ever tell me i cant do without it. As someone told me despite my scars I have beautfil skin, and i thank him for saying that, but he doesnt know what lies within, that i want to scar deepr and hurt more painfully than ever before cos all i feel is hatred and agony and pain at being me.
4. Emptiness - Have you ever felt so empty that nothing ever can fill you? Have you ever felt so low that all you inside feels like a black pit of nothingness where you descend thru no fault of your own and can;t see the other side?
5. Voices - I hear voices in my head ,its like constantly wearing headphones and having them turned on and off randomly and catching voices that you dont always like, and they dont always like you ,and they drive you to do things you never would have dreamed you could possibly do to yourself just in an attempt to make them disappear?
6. Hallucinations - I suffer from these also. I see knives and waves of thins, pills and different ways of killing myself, they happen most when i am at my lowest point, they happen when i expect them the least and its the scariest thing on earth, vonstantly seeing pictures that you cant do anything about ,being too scared to blink or close your eyes for a minute in fear that theyre going to come back and creep up on you.
7.Other things - the other things are just the self worthlessness i feel every second of the day, i constantly put myself down and tell myslef im not good enough or clever enough to do anything, that im going to fail everything ive ever tried and that when i do move out,being on my own will kill me and ill never be able to cope with it cos im useless useless useless. the constant bullying and hatred when i was little never helped and the being told i was stupid and worthelss and would never amount to anything. THe sucidal thoughts and attempts fit in here too, ive had three serious attempts at my life and a couple of attempts where i just wanted peace and quiet, so they dont really count, nothing really ever counts anymore, nothing ever really matters anymore.
I am currently undergoing therapy to help with these stuff, and as im constantly told, to take the rough with the smooth, so here comes the positive.
1. Moving out - In April I move into my own shared house, and I'm realyl excited about finally getting some independence!
2. I havent self harmed in 2 weeks and i havent tried to take my own life in around 3 months.
3. Im currently aceing English lit/lang at college, having got top marks for my coursework, im curerently doing really well in film and art history, and ive alreadsy decided to re enrol for next year, and have put my application in and am waiting for it to be processed.
Sorry, this is so long, but its best to clear it all out in one go, i know this wasnt a fun read, but its an insight into what makes me me. But even i dont know what that is anymore.
Kx
Much loves to:Papa T, Baby C, Emz, Vics and Ben. You guys are my rocks.
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