WARNING: Please do not read if easily offended by graphic imagery or easily triggered by talk of eating disorders and mental conditions. Thank you.Firstly, I apologise for the possible post length, but once i get going i know this is just going to spill out, and i have to start somewhere. I promised myself I would do this, for my mental health, to help others if i can and to help me talk to my therapist more.
Let's start with the basics. We all know who I am, I'm 24, nearly 25 and for the past year and a half I've been living with Borderline Personality Disorder, but it was only recently diagnosed. Within the last 3 months. So i've had that hanging on my shoulders and all the stigma of not being able to work or lead a normal life, i mean it can affect me well into my thrities before it settles down, and thats scary within itself. Not knowing if i can get a job or lead a normal life or do anything normal, well thats what i have to live with, and these are the associated things that go with it.
1. Depression - Not such an easy thing as people make out, they go oh im depressed, whereas depression can pull you in and take you down. its like being at the bottom of the biggest blackest darkest hole and not knowing anyway of getting out or seeing a pinprick of light or not being able to know whether you can EVER get out of it. It's like the worst thingyou could ever imagine and i would never wish it on my worst enemy.
2. Bulimia - THis is the hardest thing i've ever had to admit to anyone else. Yes, I have bulimia. Yes, it means i binge and purge. and i wouldnt reccomnd it to anyone, two of my teeth have rotted to the point of nothing thru the stomach acid, i have permanent indigestion and heartburn from all the self inflicted pain i put myself thru, and yes, i still do it. I still do it cos even tho i am only a size 10, i still feel fat and ugly and worthless, i still think that eating and purging will fill the dark empty hole thats swallowed me up from within and taken me prisoner.
3. Self harm - Secomd hardest thing I've ever had to admit to. Yes, I self harm, yes ive taken to ym own skin in an attempt to rid myself of all the pain and confusion and to stop the voices and the thoughts and the images from taking over and letting them win instead of letting me win. For me its a coping mechanism so please dont ever tell me i cant do without it. As someone told me despite my scars I have beautfil skin, and i thank him for saying that, but he doesnt know what lies within, that i want to scar deepr and hurt more painfully than ever before cos all i feel is hatred and agony and pain at being me.
4. Emptiness - Have you ever felt so empty that nothing ever can fill you? Have you ever felt so low that all you inside feels like a black pit of nothingness where you descend thru no fault of your own and can;t see the other side?
5. Voices - I hear voices in my head ,its like constantly wearing headphones and having them turned on and off randomly and catching voices that you dont always like, and they dont always like you ,and they drive you to do things you never would have dreamed you could possibly do to yourself just in an attempt to make them disappear?
6. Hallucinations - I suffer from these also. I see knives and waves of thins, pills and different ways of killing myself, they happen most when i am at my lowest point, they happen when i expect them the least and its the scariest thing on earth, vonstantly seeing pictures that you cant do anything about ,being too scared to blink or close your eyes for a minute in fear that theyre going to come back and creep up on you.
7.Other things - the other things are just the self worthlessness i feel every second of the day, i constantly put myself down and tell myslef im not good enough or clever enough to do anything, that im going to fail everything ive ever tried and that when i do move out,being on my own will kill me and ill never be able to cope with it cos im useless useless useless. the constant bullying and hatred when i was little never helped and the being told i was stupid and worthelss and would never amount to anything. THe sucidal thoughts and attempts fit in here too, ive had three serious attempts at my life and a couple of attempts where i just wanted peace and quiet, so they dont really count, nothing really ever counts anymore, nothing ever really matters anymore.
I am currently undergoing therapy to help with these stuff, and as im constantly told, to take the rough with the smooth, so here comes the positive.
1. Moving out - In April I move into my own shared house, and I'm realyl excited about finally getting some independence!
2. I havent self harmed in 2 weeks and i havent tried to take my own life in around 3 months.
3. Im currently aceing English lit/lang at college, having got top marks for my coursework, im curerently doing really well in film and art history, and ive alreadsy decided to re enrol for next year, and have put my application in and am waiting for it to be processed.
Sorry, this is so long, but its best to clear it all out in one go, i know this wasnt a fun read, but its an insight into what makes me me. But even i dont know what that is anymore.
Kx
Much loves to:Papa T, Baby C, Emz, Vics and Ben. You guys are my rocks.
Friday, 7 March 2008
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
More Plans
Well, I'm here. The thing on Friday turned out well, I now have a job...working with old people but its a job. But i have more plans. Firstly, I'm going to do an OU course on Media, the hopefully going to college next year to study media there. I'm excited but scared. Scared I'll fail or fall or do something wrong nad mess it all up, and it freaks me out. not the work and stuff, just scares me, it all does. But I need to be scared to do this, I need to be.
Sunday, 12 August 2007
She's back, but without the mask
Currently Playing: The 69 Eyes, Lordi, KISS
Current Mood: Ambivalent
Well, it appears I am here. I've been off cos I've not been well. But not before getting a phone call Friday morning with something interesting, but that can wait. If it comes to fruition, I'll let it be known.
All I've done, the past two days, apart from being ill, is thinking. A lot. In between sleeping, watchin DVDs and singing along to Lordi, which I really cant help. The thoughts have consisted somewhat of me thinking about stuff, stuff I've done, stuff I haven't done, stuff I should have done. But I came to the conclusion that none of it really matters anymore, none of it is important, none of it is relevant to who I really want to be. I need to stop living in the past, and look to the future, I need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and get on with the world. So I am. Yes, people have hurt me, and that hurt has shaped me into who I am, that I cant forget, and I probably never will.
But, life goes on, and I'm going to write a bit soon I think.
Toodle pipski
Current Mood: Ambivalent
Well, it appears I am here. I've been off cos I've not been well. But not before getting a phone call Friday morning with something interesting, but that can wait. If it comes to fruition, I'll let it be known.
All I've done, the past two days, apart from being ill, is thinking. A lot. In between sleeping, watchin DVDs and singing along to Lordi, which I really cant help. The thoughts have consisted somewhat of me thinking about stuff, stuff I've done, stuff I haven't done, stuff I should have done. But I came to the conclusion that none of it really matters anymore, none of it is important, none of it is relevant to who I really want to be. I need to stop living in the past, and look to the future, I need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and get on with the world. So I am. Yes, people have hurt me, and that hurt has shaped me into who I am, that I cant forget, and I probably never will.
But, life goes on, and I'm going to write a bit soon I think.
Toodle pipski
Wednesday, 8 August 2007
Another Day, Another Plan
Well, it seems my plan didn't go to well. He said no. After dangling me like a toy for over a day and a half, he said no. And you know what, it's made me see something. He was a coward, he couldn't come right out and say it, oh no, nothing like that for him.
After talking to my friends and making up horrific tortures, I decided on my plan for the next few months.
1. NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE get back with him. Not even in moments of desperation. It'll do me no good if i do.
2. Go and see my German friend in London in October. I haven't been to London in almost a year, and it will be a trip to remember, seeing one of my closest friends for the first time. And it means, I get to terrorise London to my heart's content. And go shopping. Lots. And I like shopping
3. Get a job. I've been dithering over this, my self confidence isn't what it could be, none of me is what it should be, BUT this might give me back some of that and help me to cope with people constantly phoning me up and asking me to pay my debts.
4. Sort my debts out. I refuse to deal by phone, so letters and possibly emails will be the way to go. And it means I don't get disturbed and set into a severely damaging mental state.
5. Be more assertive. Tell people No and mean it, and not be treated like a doormat by my family.
6. Try and volunteer when time allows it. I have already applied to the GirlGuide UK association, so we will see how I do.
7. Use my voice for good and get my arse into gear and hopefully into a band. That would be my fondest wish, and help with my assertiveness, confidence and self worth.
8. This is the biggie, this is the scary thing. Go to Finland with my best mate for Midsummer next year, go and stay in a hotel together, go and get drunk, see bands, go shopping, do the touristy things. This involves a lot of travel on my own, and being in busy places. But as my friend has already said, she'll be there with me, helping me along the way. So I won't be alone.
All in all, I've had an extremely positive day today. I hope this continues. I've set my blog up to try and give me an outlet for all my ups and downs, and it is. As long as I keep posting and keep reading, I'll not forget what I'm here for.
Now, I'm going to play on Hex, a few forums, and on MSN.
Kez x
After talking to my friends and making up horrific tortures, I decided on my plan for the next few months.
1. NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE get back with him. Not even in moments of desperation. It'll do me no good if i do.
2. Go and see my German friend in London in October. I haven't been to London in almost a year, and it will be a trip to remember, seeing one of my closest friends for the first time. And it means, I get to terrorise London to my heart's content. And go shopping. Lots. And I like shopping
3. Get a job. I've been dithering over this, my self confidence isn't what it could be, none of me is what it should be, BUT this might give me back some of that and help me to cope with people constantly phoning me up and asking me to pay my debts.
4. Sort my debts out. I refuse to deal by phone, so letters and possibly emails will be the way to go. And it means I don't get disturbed and set into a severely damaging mental state.
5. Be more assertive. Tell people No and mean it, and not be treated like a doormat by my family.
6. Try and volunteer when time allows it. I have already applied to the GirlGuide UK association, so we will see how I do.
7. Use my voice for good and get my arse into gear and hopefully into a band. That would be my fondest wish, and help with my assertiveness, confidence and self worth.
8. This is the biggie, this is the scary thing. Go to Finland with my best mate for Midsummer next year, go and stay in a hotel together, go and get drunk, see bands, go shopping, do the touristy things. This involves a lot of travel on my own, and being in busy places. But as my friend has already said, she'll be there with me, helping me along the way. So I won't be alone.
All in all, I've had an extremely positive day today. I hope this continues. I've set my blog up to try and give me an outlet for all my ups and downs, and it is. As long as I keep posting and keep reading, I'll not forget what I'm here for.
Now, I'm going to play on Hex, a few forums, and on MSN.
Kez x
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
What have I done?
Three weeks, four days and a few hours ago, I did something that changed my life. It landed me in hospital, and it made people distrust me and hate me. Which I guess is my own fault for even trying. There's one person, who I'm sorry I ever had to hurt, I tried to write a blog to him last night, basically apologising, for all the bad things I did to him....
"One of the things I clued up on, was how I treated someone very close to me. Instead of respecting them, I took them for granted, and, ultimately ended up ruining something that was the best thing I could have had. And now, I see how wrong I was. It doesn't matter how much time they had to talk to me, it doesn't matter how much they come online, all it matters now is that they could take the time out of their own life and just use a little bit on me. I know it sounds selfish, I know it sounds heartless, but at the end of it all, I pushed away someone very close to my heart, and its my own fault. I'll never know if I'll get them back, but, all I can do is try. And I am going to, because its not just something I want, its not just something I need, it feels like part of me is missing, and nothing or no one will ever come close to replacing them, and sometimes I dont know if they know just how much they mean to me, even now. All I can do is try and hope they can find it within themselves to forgive me, for how I was, for who I was, that selfish idiot of a person who pushed them away. I can't say I've changed completely, but I'm trying, it is a long and slow process, but I know its there, I know something inside me is willnig me to do it, its willing me to try again, and thats all I ask of them. Another chance. I can understand if they say no, I can understand if they don't want to talk to me or look at me anymore, and I don't blame them. I was cruel, callous, and devestatingly evil. And I regret it, I regret it all. If I could take it back, I would, in an instant. But now i have to live with this, it is of my own making, all I can do is hope they forgive me, and hope they will allow me back into their lives as closely as I was before. It doesn't matter how much time you spend talking to me, it doesn't matter if you don't come on for a few days, knowing I'm back in your heart and in your thoughts would mean the world to me, it's something I can't get out of my head, and it makes me cry because I never know if its going to happen. After all I've done, I still love them, I still want them. Rakastan sinua nallekarhumies, kas noin ja ainiaaksi."
I wrote this, becuase I still care about him. I can't make him read it, I can't make him check his email, all I can do is wait it out. It seems to be all I ever do, wait it out. The one person who I thought I could have a shot at being happy with, is now ignoring me completely. Utterly, I am the creator of my own fatal design, and all because I wanted everything to end, everything I cant cope with, everything I cant handle, as I always have to deal on my own, with no help, not a whisper or a glimmer of hope. By writing what I did, I thought I could put some hope back into my life, and all I did, I dont know.
By trying to get him to talk to me, I think I've pushed him away further. I cant keep on apologising, for it is the only thing I ever seem to do and I even cant do that right. I dont have a life, I just have an existence, made ever harder by the encroaching fear, hatred and disgust I feel at myself. The world has never worked anyway except to spell my utter downfall, so why would I expect it to change now?
The answer is, I dont. Why would it change, why would it get better? When its slowly choking all life out of me, when its slowly grinding me down until I am back to nothing? When it is winning by beating me into a corner that I can never reclaim myself from? And right now, I am nothing. Right now, I am insignificant, seen only as a pest and a source of derision, hate and pity from others. Is this all my life was destined to be? Is this all I was destined to be? Is it fate that I am alone, nearly friendless save the few I have online, unloved and at the bitter end of it all?
Is it any wonder that I tried to end it once?
I doubt I will try to do it again. I have been trying, so desperately hard, but it appears at every turn something spells my downfall back into nothingness, deep into the abyss where I have no choice but to stay, where I cannot be found, deep in the pit of despair, lost in the world that is the making of my depression, the enchantment caused by my paranoia, my self loathing and my fear. I fear it all, I fear you all, but as I talk, I find this not cathartic, I find no release, I find only upset, knowing no one will read the futile puling that this blog is.
I hear laughter all around me, but even it cannot penetrate the stone enmeshed in metal that has become my heart, the chinks open and seeping. Seeping as everything I have ever faced up to, is destined to hurt me, destined to spell the meaning of my own demise.
Yet, I feel, everything is pointless, all hope has gone. If only I had done things differently, if only.
But that is a dream I can never realise, as it not longer relies on me to give an answer to unlock me from my bitter shell and to set me free. It lies in the hands of another, one answer spells release, the other.....I don't know what I'll do if the answer is the other, I try not to think that far ahead. I can only predict a life of loneliness and longing, longing for what I have lost.
MY tears have been shed, I have said what I have needed to say. For now it seems, I say adieu.
"One of the things I clued up on, was how I treated someone very close to me. Instead of respecting them, I took them for granted, and, ultimately ended up ruining something that was the best thing I could have had. And now, I see how wrong I was. It doesn't matter how much time they had to talk to me, it doesn't matter how much they come online, all it matters now is that they could take the time out of their own life and just use a little bit on me. I know it sounds selfish, I know it sounds heartless, but at the end of it all, I pushed away someone very close to my heart, and its my own fault. I'll never know if I'll get them back, but, all I can do is try. And I am going to, because its not just something I want, its not just something I need, it feels like part of me is missing, and nothing or no one will ever come close to replacing them, and sometimes I dont know if they know just how much they mean to me, even now. All I can do is try and hope they can find it within themselves to forgive me, for how I was, for who I was, that selfish idiot of a person who pushed them away. I can't say I've changed completely, but I'm trying, it is a long and slow process, but I know its there, I know something inside me is willnig me to do it, its willing me to try again, and thats all I ask of them. Another chance. I can understand if they say no, I can understand if they don't want to talk to me or look at me anymore, and I don't blame them. I was cruel, callous, and devestatingly evil. And I regret it, I regret it all. If I could take it back, I would, in an instant. But now i have to live with this, it is of my own making, all I can do is hope they forgive me, and hope they will allow me back into their lives as closely as I was before. It doesn't matter how much time you spend talking to me, it doesn't matter if you don't come on for a few days, knowing I'm back in your heart and in your thoughts would mean the world to me, it's something I can't get out of my head, and it makes me cry because I never know if its going to happen. After all I've done, I still love them, I still want them. Rakastan sinua nallekarhumies, kas noin ja ainiaaksi."
I wrote this, becuase I still care about him. I can't make him read it, I can't make him check his email, all I can do is wait it out. It seems to be all I ever do, wait it out. The one person who I thought I could have a shot at being happy with, is now ignoring me completely. Utterly, I am the creator of my own fatal design, and all because I wanted everything to end, everything I cant cope with, everything I cant handle, as I always have to deal on my own, with no help, not a whisper or a glimmer of hope. By writing what I did, I thought I could put some hope back into my life, and all I did, I dont know.
By trying to get him to talk to me, I think I've pushed him away further. I cant keep on apologising, for it is the only thing I ever seem to do and I even cant do that right. I dont have a life, I just have an existence, made ever harder by the encroaching fear, hatred and disgust I feel at myself. The world has never worked anyway except to spell my utter downfall, so why would I expect it to change now?
The answer is, I dont. Why would it change, why would it get better? When its slowly choking all life out of me, when its slowly grinding me down until I am back to nothing? When it is winning by beating me into a corner that I can never reclaim myself from? And right now, I am nothing. Right now, I am insignificant, seen only as a pest and a source of derision, hate and pity from others. Is this all my life was destined to be? Is this all I was destined to be? Is it fate that I am alone, nearly friendless save the few I have online, unloved and at the bitter end of it all?
Is it any wonder that I tried to end it once?
I doubt I will try to do it again. I have been trying, so desperately hard, but it appears at every turn something spells my downfall back into nothingness, deep into the abyss where I have no choice but to stay, where I cannot be found, deep in the pit of despair, lost in the world that is the making of my depression, the enchantment caused by my paranoia, my self loathing and my fear. I fear it all, I fear you all, but as I talk, I find this not cathartic, I find no release, I find only upset, knowing no one will read the futile puling that this blog is.
I hear laughter all around me, but even it cannot penetrate the stone enmeshed in metal that has become my heart, the chinks open and seeping. Seeping as everything I have ever faced up to, is destined to hurt me, destined to spell the meaning of my own demise.
Yet, I feel, everything is pointless, all hope has gone. If only I had done things differently, if only.
But that is a dream I can never realise, as it not longer relies on me to give an answer to unlock me from my bitter shell and to set me free. It lies in the hands of another, one answer spells release, the other.....I don't know what I'll do if the answer is the other, I try not to think that far ahead. I can only predict a life of loneliness and longing, longing for what I have lost.
MY tears have been shed, I have said what I have needed to say. For now it seems, I say adieu.
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